Phoebe's songs
[note: some of the titles listed below are 'official', some are my best guess.]from episode 1.01 (extended version)
Your Love
Love is sweet as summer showersLove is a wondrous work of art
But your love, oh your love,
Your love is like a giant pigeon
Crapping on my heart.
La la la la la...
from episode 1.07
No power
New York City has no power,and the milk is getting sour.
But to me it is not scary,
'cause I stay away from dairy.
LA la, la LA la, LA la...
from episode 1.10
Snowman
I made a man with eyes of coaland a smile so bewitchin'.
How was I supposed to know
that my mom was dead in the kitchen?
La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...
Mother's Ashes
My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes,are resting in a little yellow jar.
And sometimes, when it's breezy,
I feel a little sneezy, and now I...
from episode 1.11
My Man
You don't have to be awake to be my man.As long as you have brainwaves
I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day,
there's something I have got to say...
from episode 1.23
Babies
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
and you cry and you cry and you cry.
And you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry...
Trapped in the Hospital Closet
And they found their bodies the very next day,they found their bodies the very next day,
la la la, la la la, la la la...
from episode 2.06
Shower Song
I'm in the shower and I'm writing a songStop me if you've heard it.
My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet,
and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
Lather, rinse, repeat
and lather, rinse, repeat
and lather, rinse, repeat
as needed.
I Play For Me
When I play, I play for meI don't need your charity
La lalala lalalalalalala
lalala lalala lalalalalalala....
Double-Jointed Boy
...was the double, double, double-jointed boy.
Stephanie
Stephanie...knows all the chords.
Terry
Terry's a jerk!And he won't let me work!
And I hate Central Perk!
Smelly Cat (incomplete version)
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,What are they feeding you?
Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat,
It's not your fault.
from episode 2.08
Two of Them Kissed Last Night
There was a girl, we'll call her BettyAnd a guy, let's call him Neil
Now I can't stress this point too strongly...
This story isn't real.
Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly?
Or will it be the one who we'll call... Loolie?
He must decide, he must decide,
even though I made him up, he must decide!
from episode 2.12
Grandma
Now, Grandma's a person who everyone likes,She bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died and some day you will too.
Lalala LAlalala LAlalala LAlalala La La La La
Lalala LAlalala LAlalala LAlalala La La La La
Another Thing You Don't Wanna Do
There'll be times when you get olderWhen you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But don't.
'Cause that's another thing
That you don't wanna do
Everybody!
That's another thing
That you don't wanna do.
The Cow in the Meadow
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Now, chickens!
Sometimes
Sometimes men love womenSometimes men love men,
And then there are bisexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves.
La lalala lalalalala la
La la lalala lala la la
from episode 2.17
Smelly Cat (longest version Phoebe ever did in coffee house)
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
They won't take you to the vet.
You're obviously not their favorite pet.
It may not be a bed of roses.
And you're no friend to those with noses.
Smelly Cat (video version, uncut video on Season 2 DVD, special features)
NOTE: To see this video, take the quiz in the Season 2, disk 4 special features, "How well do you know your Friends," or just go to title 27.
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
[Background singers:
Smelly smelly smelly
really bad smelling smelly cat
it's not your fault!]
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
They won't take you to the vet.
You're obviously not their favorite pet.
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
Oh no!
It may not be a bed of roses.
You're no friend to those with noses.
I promise you, before we're done
all the world will smell as one.
[Background singers:
Smelly smelly smelly
really bad smelling smelly cat]
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
from episode 2.18
Crusty Old Man
And a crusty old mansaid, "I'll do what I can,"
and the rest of the rats played moroccas.
from episode 3.14
Sticky Shoes (sung with Leslie)
My favorite shoes, so good to me, I wear them everyday.Down at the heel, holes in the toes, don't care what people say.
My feet's best friends, pals to the end, with them I'm one hot chicky.
Though late one night, not much light,
I stepped in something icky.
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile.
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll avoid the pile.
Jingle Bitch
Jingle Bitch screwed me over!Go to hell Jingle Whore!
Go to hell, go to hell,
go to hell-hell-hell.
from episode 3.23
Crazy Underwear
Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt.Crazy underwear, always in a rut.
Crazy underwear....
from episode 4.01
Colors
...and fuchsia and mauve.Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom.
from episode 4.02
Dumb, Drunken Bitch
...dumb, drunken bitch!from episode 4.05
Sticky Shoes (from Pheobe's phlegmy, sick version)
My sticky shoes,my sticky, sticky shoes,
why you stick on me... baby.
Goats are Parading
Parading, goats are parading;parading down the street.
Parading, goats are parading;
leaving little treats.
Paper Mache' Man
I'm, I'm still waiting for my papier-mache' man.from episode 4.07
Tiny Tarzan
Little tiny Tarzan,swinging on an nose hair,
swinging with the greatest of ease...
from episode 4.10
Holiday Song (first rendition)
Happy Hanukkah, Monica.May your Christmas be snowy, Joey.
Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross.
Spin the dreidel, Rachel!
Holiday Song (from second rendition)
Happy happy Hanukkah,Chandler and Monica.
Very merry...
[note: at this point Chandler interrupts to say he's not Jewish.]
Holiday Song (from final rendition)
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
He said, "all you need is to write them a song."
Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.
So don't sing along.
Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy.
And Rachel and Chandler, [mumbles some nonsense that rhymes with "Chandler"].
Happy holidays everybody!
from episode 4.12
Fetus
Are you in there little fetus?In nine months will you come greet us?
I will... buy you some Adidas.
from episode 6.03
Ode To a Pubic Hair
I found you in my bed!How'd you wind up there?
You are a mystery,
Little black curly hair!
Little black curly hair!
Little black, little black,
Little black, little black,
Little black curly hair!
from episode 6.16
Heart Attacks
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see.One of them won't do it, but the second one will set you free.
Tell all your hate and anger it's time to say good-bye,
And that is just what I will do, as soon as those bastards I work for die!
La lalala lalalalala la, lalala lalala la la...
from episode 7.01
Monica (From extended DVD version of the episode)
Twelve years old and addicted to pork,No one thought Monica would marry.
She knew her way around a knife and a fork...
Chandler
First time I met ChandlerI thought he was gay,
But here I am singing
on his wedding day.
Whenever I Get Married
Whenever I get married, guess who won't get to sing?Somebody named Geller and somebody else named Bing!
She Just Stayed and Stayed
We thought Phoebe would leave,but she just stayed and stayed.
That's right, I'm here all night,
and Chandler will never get laid.
Ceremony
Who will perform the ceremony?Who will perform the ceremony?
from episode 9.19
Argentina
And there's a country called Argentina,It's a place I've never seen.
But I'm told for 50 pesos,
You can buy a human spleen,
Human spleen.
The Woman Smelled Like Garbage
It wasn't just that she was fat,the woman smelled like garbage.
Everyone!
It wasn't just that she was fat,
the woman smelled like garbage.
The Food at Javu
(sung to the tune of "Shave and a Haircut.")
The food here at Javu will kill you!
The food here at Javu will kill you!
from episode 10.04
Emma's Birthday Song
Emma,Your name poses a dilemna,
'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma.
Maybe the actor Richard Crenna
(he played the commanding officer in Rambo)
Happy Birthday Emma!
from episode 10.17
Best Day Ever
Aahh, aahh, aahh...When the sun comes up,
bright and beaming!
And the moon comes...
Don't Take No
Bum bum bumDon't take no for an answer!
Bum bum bum
Don't let love fly away!
Bum bum bum bum bum bum...
