Joey sets a personal record for sticking Oreos in his mouth--15. Ross dates a girl from Poughkeepsie but is concerned about the distance involved in seeing her. Rachel wants a relationship--or at least a fling--so Chandler offers to set her up with someone; when his coworkers find out it's Rachel and that she's not looking for a serious relationship, they all bribe Chandler to set them up. Monica gets no respect at work; she hires Joey in order to fire him, so everyone will know who's boss; but Joey likes the tips, so he has a hard time going along with the plan. Phoebe works (and works and works) on a Christmas song for her friends. Ross takes a train to Poughkeepsie to break up, but falls asleep and ends up in Montreal... with a girl from Nova Scotia.
Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a Lion Tamer?
Monica: I mean, I have not been picked on this much since I was in kindergarten, and they had to bring in someone from Junior High to do the see-saw with me.
Mike: Whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa. Is this hot-Rachel-that-you-took-to-the-Christmas-Party Rachel?
Chandler:oh, by the way, that is her full name.
Phoebe (singing): Happy Hanukkah, Monica. May your Christmas be snowy, Joey. Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the dreidel, Rachel!
Phoebe: Do you maybe have, like, a nickname that's easier to rhyme?
Monica: Didn't your Dad used to call you "Pumpkin."
Rachel: Oh, yeah!
Phoebe: Pumpkin? Yeah? But did he ever call you, like, "Budolf?"
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401Ks to me!
Phoebe: You work with robots?
Rachel: Chandler, you have the best taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
Chandler:Really? I thought you weren't even looking for something serious. I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Rachel: Well, you know... possibly. You didn't... tell him that, though, right?
Chandler: Whoooooohuuuuh, no?
Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling? You don't tell the guy that!
Chandler: Why not, I'd be thrilled if heard that some hot girl was just looking to get... oh, I see.
Rachel: Oh, between you telling him I wanted to have a fling, and me putting out on the first date... oh he's so going to get the wrong idea.
Monica: Okay, could the waiters gather around to hear tonight's specials?
Okay, first, there's, uh, Chilean Sea Bass, prepared with a mango relish, on a bed... why is nobody writing these down?
Waiter: Because we can remember them.
Monica: And because you're all going to make up fake specials, and make me cook them like you did the other night?
Waiter: Well, sure, that too.
Monica: What the hell just happenned?
Joey: I am so, so sorry. I was gonna do it, really. But then, I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand, and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow, it's been a long time since I had... 327 plus 238 dollars!"
Phoebe (singing): Happy happy Hanukkah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry...
Chandler: Oo, ya know... ya know what, Phebes?
Chandler: I'm not Jewish, so...
Phoebe: So, Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss, but you don't hear him complaining, do you?
Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?
Phoebe (singing): Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said, "all you need is to write them a song." Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. So don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler, [mumbles some nonsense that rhymes with "Chandler"]. Happy holidays everybody!