Ugly Naked Guy decorates his tree. Monica and Rachel, low on funds, make cookies to give instead of cash as holiday tips to the paperboy, the mailman, the superintendent, etc. Then they receive mangled papers and smashed packages; when their heater won't turn off and the super doesn't fix it, they fear he's also upset about not getting cash. Despite the heat, Rachel and Monica have a big Christmas party. Ross tries to make amends with Rachel. He tells her to make a list about him, so she does; he obsesses about her complaints. Phoebe discovers that everything she thought she knew about her biological father (including his picture) is a lie. Her grandmother knows where he lives, and it's not far. Phoebe (accompanied by Chandler and Joey) goes to visit him, but eventually decides she's not ready. Chandler and Joey have to do their Christmas shopping late on Christmas eve.
Rachel: Oh, gosh. Oh, these are cookies smashed in the sports section!
Monica: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
Ross: Yeah, but not very well. Unless fourteen across--"Gershwin musical"--actually is "Bite me bite me bite me bite me."
Joey: I can't believe it's Christmas already, you know? I mean one day your eatin' turkey,
the next thing you know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
Chandler: Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.
Phoebe: Okay, is this really my father?
Grandma: Is it really your...? I can't... well of course it is.
Phoebe: Okay, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire!
Chandler: You know, I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black
boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to
see him, but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?
Monica: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet? Tomorrow's
Christmas Eve, what are you gonna do?
Chandler: Don't you have to be Claymation to say stuff like that?
Rachel: Oh by the way, Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies.
Here are the ornaments your mom sent.
Monica: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
Joey: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.
Phoebe: Hello grandma... If that is, in fact, your real name.