Ross gets a monkey named Marcel. Everyone makes a pact not to bring dates to their New Years Eve Party. While performing at Central Perk, Phoebe confronts some noisy boys and ends up dating one of them: David, Scientist Guy. Their relationship develops well until he gets offered a grant to go to Minsk, and doesn't know what to do. Everyone breaks the no-date pact except Ross; Phoebe brings David, Joey brings Sandy, someone he met while working as an elf in a department store; Rachel plans to bring Paolo, who's flying in earlier than expected; Chandler snaps and asks Janice; Monica invites Fun Bobby; Ross just brings Marcel. However, no one ends up with their date (or monkey) at midnight.
Ross: ...It's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno. I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe.... Sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.
Phoebe: So, you guys--I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve
new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
Joey: Aw, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year!
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
Monica: So what are you gonna be?
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, you know?
Phoebe (singing):I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'. How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen? La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...
Phoebe (singing):My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar.
And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy, and now I...
Phoebe:Excuse me? Excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that's... that's okay.
Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler: That guy's going home with a note!
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean, by my sixth
date with Paolo, he had already named both my breasts! Oh, did I just share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.
Phoebe: David's like, ya know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
Monica: I think it's romantic.
Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with.
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross: Look, I didn't wanna leave him alone. All right? We... we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he threw some feces...
Chandler: You know, if you're gonna work late I could look in on him for you.
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not, like, doing it as a favor to me.
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
Ross: "That thing?" This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something.
If I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?
Monica: I'm thinking your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
Ross: He was more embarrassed about that than anyone, okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey... are you okay? Where... where's Paolo?
Rachel: Rome! Jerk missed his flight!
Phoebe: And then your face exploded?
Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. Smile! You're on Janice Camera! HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
Joey: You seen Sandy?
Chandler: Ooo, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Oh, look at that--I did know how to tell you.